All The Things You Can't Have
by Lunacipher
Summary: More added and more up soon which incidentally has warranted a change of rating for what's to come. Enjoy! Review! I love reviews! HikaKao Lemony goodness!
1. Chapter 1

His hand is almost like a ring, in the way that my hand feels naked without it. Always his fingers are entwined in

mine, protecting with his graceful way of turning his wrist. It's kind of strange to make these observations, being he

is my twin. Does this make me incredibly narcissistic? There he is, chatting jovially with those silly host club girls; I

think he could make anyone laugh. "Do you want some cake?" Comes a low voice from behind me. "AAAAAAHHH!" My

common sense leaves my body and I leap into the nearest set of arms. They just so happen to be Tamaki's. "Why

Kaoru, it's only Mori-kun." He chuckles at me in that sweet but almost patronizing kind of way. Hikaru instantly locks

eyes with me, mentally asking if I'm ok. I give a quick wink to reassure him and he rushes over, eager to pounce on

the situation. I drop away from Tamaki and Hikaru's arms fold around me, "Oh Kaoru," His hand delicately caresses

my face as he turns it upwards to his. I hear the girls cooing away as I wrap my arms around his neck. "Are you all

right? I was so worried." I cuddle into his neck and play along. "Hikaru…" Our moment, however, is cut short by a

little blond whirlwind with cake on his face. "Kao-chan, are you ok? Mori-chan was only coming over to share some

cake. It has raspberries and chocolate on it! It was yummy! But he didn't mean to scare you like that!" Honey is just

so cute sometimes. "Sorry." Mori chimes in as he lifts Honey on to his shoulders. "See?" Honey quips, kicking his little

feet. "All better! Now do you want some cake?" I turn out of Hikaru's embrace and my hand finds his. "No thanks,

Mitskuni." Hikaru flashes me a grin and turns to Honey, "Do you really think he needs the sugar? He jumpy enough

as it is." But his comment is lost on the odd duo, as they were suddenly taken over by clamoring girls exclaiming how

cute and right and sweet they are. "A valid point, though." I hear Kyoya's musings behind me, and the scribbling in

his notebook took on new purpose. I always wonder what he puts in that book. He looks back at me, as if he knew

what I was thinking, shuts his book and announces to all the guests that it is time to leave for the day. The girls

press towards us to say their goodbyes. It's a Friday so we won't see them all weekend and they have a new

desperation to get close to us. "Goodbye, my darlings. We await your presence come Monday." Tamaki waves them

out the door. He always manages to do that so quickly and I wish I knew how. "Glad that's over. I have a big test

coming up and I really need to study for it." It was the first I had really heard out of Haruhi today, but her comments

are dry as ever. I still don't quite know what to make of her, I mean, she seems ok but she comes off kind of

annoyed all the time. She should try to enjoy herself more. "We could help you study, Haruhi." Hikaru offers, but I

notice by her face that she's a little put off by that. She notices me watching her and smiles. "No thanks, guys, you'll

distract me and I'll never get any work done." She's kinda passive-aggressive, all Hikaru did was offer to help her.

"Here, let daddy help you!" I wonder if Tamaki realizes how wrong that sounds sometimes. "Let's go home. I'm

bored now." Hikaru's words echo my thoughts and we say goodbye.

"What do you want to do this weekend?" I ask Hikaru later when we're at home in our room. Well, it's actually my

room, his room is on the other side of our shared master bathroom but he seldom goes in there. He rolls over on the

bed from where he was reading a book and runs his hand through his hair. "Hmmm… Good question." he pauses a

moment and jumps up off the bed. "First, I think I'm going to go take a shower. I feel dirty after all those girls

pressing on us. They're so desperate, almost like commoners, aren't they?" I smile and watch as he starts to pull his

clothes off before he even gets to the bathroom. "Save me some hot water will you?" I call after him as I hear him

start the shower. "Have any ideas?" He asks, poking his head out of the door. "Not really." I reply and lay back on

the bed. Hikaru's cell phone vibrates beside me and I lazily flip it open. Haruhi, huh? That's odd. I open the message

to find: "Hey. You have any plans tomorrow? I have 2 tickets to that movie you wanted to see. Wanna come?" Why

did she ask Hikaru? Did she have a crush on him? Why didn't he tell me? I brought the phone into the bathroom

where Hikaru was still in the shower. "Haruhi wants to know if you want to go to a movie. Does she like you or

something?" The shower door slides open and he pokes his head out, shampoo still in his hair. "How'd she get

tickets? That show was sold out a week ago." I'm a little annoyed he's so excited about going without me. "I don't

know, maybe her dad got them through his work or something. You really want to go?" I ask, hoping he'll say no

since there's only 2 tickets. "Could be cool." He shrugs and ducks back into the shower. A moment later he steps out

of the shower with a towel around his waist. "Do you want me to stay here with you? I don't have to go; it's just a

commoner theater anyways." I notice he left the water running for me, so I start taking off my clothes. "No, go

ahead; I don't really like horror movies." I tell him and quickly get into the shower so he can't see the

disappointment in my face. I run the water over my head and marvel that Hikaru always knows the perfect

temperature for me. My eyes open and Hikaru is standing in front of me, green eyes narrowed and brows etched in

quizzical disapproval. He reaches over my shoulder and leans on the wall behind me. "You'll get your towel all wet,

Hikaru..." I felt my cheeks blush. It isn't because I'm naked, he's seen me naked all my life, it's because he caught

me almost lying. "If you don't want me to go, just tell me, Kaoru." A flash of anger crosses his face and the water is

running over his hair; it doesn't faze him in the slightest. I turn my head to avoid his gaze and feel my blush deepen.

"Hikaru, I don't want you stay just for me though." His finger rests under my chin and he tilts my face back up to his

gaze. His expression is softer, and I feel happier when he brushes his cheek against my own. "That's the only

reason I need." He whispers into my ear, he always says the right thing to make me feel better. He reaches up

above me, hands me the shampoo bottle and steps out of the shower. I hear him shuffling through the closet and

brushing his teeth. Will it always be this way? Or will he marry off and leave me someday? Is it even fair to keep him

like this? He's fixing the bed the way he likes it now, he's kind of finicky that way, has to have his pillows just so… I

wonder what time it is. Will he be upset that I wanted him to stay? "You'll get all pruny if you stay in there!" I hear

him call and it snaps me back to the present, aided by the sudden shock of the water going cold. I gasp as the ice

water assaults my spine and I hurriedly rinse off and turn off the water. I fling the shower door open and grab the

closest towel, briskly drying before putting on the boxers Hikaru left out for me. I race out of the bathroom and jump

into the bed, shivering like a scared cat. "Kaoru! You're still all wet!" Hikaru yelps, scooting away from me. "The

water…went…cold…" I manage to spit out, teeth chattering. "Oh Kaoru…" he says softly, wrapping an arm around

me and tucking in the blanket behind me. It should always be like this. Then we fall asleep the same way we always

do; hands clasped and foreheads almost touching.


	2. Chapter 2

Monday morning came too soon; after a weekend of having Hikaru all to myself I felt oddly jealous at sharing him

with the club again. Especially after Haruhi's text. Just the notion that she might be interested in him put me on

guard; I wasn't ready to give him up. What if he never came back? I rolled over in the sheets, peeking over the edge

of my pillow to read the clock. 6:03 AM. Why was I up so early? The alarm clock didn't go off for another half hour. I

turned back to my twin and smoothed the red hair off his forehead. He sighed in his sleep and curled closer against

my chest. His warm skin seemed to set mine on fire. I slid a hand down his side and let it rest on his lower back,

pulling him even closer to me. My mind barely knew what my hands were doing at this point; it seemed the most

natural thing to do. His features were so soft, vulnerable even. I wanted… I couldn't believe the impulses that were

flooding my brain so early in the morning. I wanted to kiss his rosy lips. I shouldn't be thinking this. He's my brother,

my twin. Wanting him like this was wrong and besides, I knew he didn't feel the same about me. He liked Haruhi. He

just didn't know how to comprehend it yet. I see the way he looks at her… it's the same way I secretly look at him.

It's the way I was looking at him now. I delicately brushed my lips to his forehead and felt his breath on my neck. I

hesitated at his lips. There was no turning back from this; if he woke up he would know everything. I wanted to take

this moment and somehow save it forever. He was so beautiful. I took a deep breath and pressed my lips to his. His

hazel eyes flashed open in surprise. His hand came up towards me and I grabbed him by the wrist, pinning his hand

down in the pillows as I rolled him onto his back. I ran my tongue over his lips; they parted ever so slightly in the

sweetest surrender. My fingers entwined with his as I deepened the kiss and wished it would never end. Inevitably

it had to though. I pulled away and we were both left panting hard. "K-kaoru…" I blushed hotly at the raspy way he

said my name. I stared down at our hands still linked together. I didn't know what to say but plenty of things were

screaming in my head, waiting for me to open my mouth. How I loved him and I wanted him for myself; that our

'brotherly love' act was not much of an act for me. But I couldn't say anything. The words lodged in my throat and I

felt myself choking on them. He stared back at me with a whole myriad of emotions flooding his face. Shock,

confusion, and… lust, maybe? "Hikaru, I…" I was interrupted by the sound of his phone going off. He blinked and

reached over to answer it. I could hear Tamaki's voice practically shrieking on the other end. "My precious daughter

fell down the stairs and twisted her ankle and she needs our help! Get to school right away!" Hikaru was already

leaping out of bed before he hung up. I held onto his hand for just a second longer, prompting him to turn and look

back to me. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something then he let go and ran for his uniform. He was

racing out the door with his shirt unbuttoned and his tie flung over his shoulder before I had barely gotten out of

bed. I pulled on my clothes and watched sullenly out the window as our car left without me. I took my time getting

ready and got in our other car. "To school, Master Kaoru?" The driver asked me. I nodded without a word. When I

got to the school and made my way into the classroom Hikaru was there, as was Haruhi with a bandage wrapped

tightly around her ankle. He was helping her to her desk. His arm was around her waist and he was smiling down at

her. I felt the heat flooding my face and I stepped back out into the hall. I didn't know where I was going but

anywhere was better than here. Somehow I ended up in the club room. With nothing else to do in that empty room I

curled up on one of the sofas and went to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

There he is…. With _her _again. He always with her lately and I can't stand it. A stupid commoner girl who looks like a

boy. She's ruined everything. Hikaru has moved into him own bedroom and looks slightly terrified if we're in a room

by ourselves. "What's wrong Hikaru?" A host club girl asks, touching me softly. "I'm not Hikaru! I'm Kaoru!" I snap

and pull my arm away. The girl's eyes well up with tears and I regret speaking so hastily. "I'm sorry." I say softly and

look up to see Hikaru pointedly look away. The hot anger bubbles in my throat and I run out of the room, slamming

the music room door and racing down the hallway. My footfalls echo off the marble floors and remind me of how

alone I am. I keep running, not knowing where I'm turning to or how to get back. I come to a dead end with only a

door in front of me. It's an old door, looks like it hasn't been opened for years. The handle turns with a rusty creak

and I shift my weight to open the door. It's just an old classroom, a little dusty but not really all that bad. I sit on a

desk by the window and look out. It's raining, big sad drops like the sky is crying. I feel the drops running down my

face as well and hurriedly brush them away with my sleeve. Why did Hikaru have to leave me all alone like that?

Why doesn't he hold my hand anymore? He always wants to be with Haruhi. I hate Haruhi. I hear the door open

behind me and whirl around hoping its Hikaru; but it's not… It's Kyoya. "What do you want?" I grumble. "That was

quite an outburst, coming from you." He replies, in a very matter of fact sort of way. "Yeah, so?" I retort. What was

he doing here? Kyoya doesn't answer right away but walks over to the window and stands next to me. "It's hard

not being with the one you love." He speaks softly, in a voice full of sadness. I watch him with curiosity as he

watches the rain fall. Kyoya loves someone? I wonder who it could be but I'm not sure I should ask. I glance over his

features, he really is pretty handsome. Slender build and jet black hair framing his elegant profile. His glasses suit

him well, almost like picture frames for those magnificent grey eyes. His lips are small, but they are the soft kissable

type. I blush a bit at the thought and turn back to the window. It is dark enough from the rain that our reflections

show on the glass and I realize that Kyoya is staring back at me. What if it's me he's talking about? Is Kyoya in love

with me? He gave me his signature cool half smile and answered my thought. "It's not you, Kaoru." How did he do

that? I saw the shock on my own face in the window and realized that he is just perceptive. "What makes you think

I love Hikaru? He's an idiot and I hate him." I say the words quickly and louder than necessary, trying to tell myself I

hate him too. Kyoya turns his head slowly and places a hand on my shoulder. "You will never hate him, Kaoru, no

matter how hard you try. He will always be at the back of your mind, reminding you of all the things you can't have."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Sorry it has taken me so long to get new stuff posted and this one is so short! I've been really sick lately and it's taken all of my energy. I know you guys are worried that Hikaru is ignoring Kaoru but I assure you, he has never been more aware of his presence and it will show in the next few chapters. I'll try to post sooner from now on! -Luna**

Kaoru is looking thinner lately. I hear him in the middle of the night, tossing and turning in his bed and the dark circles underneath his eyes worry me. I watch him in the

morning in our shared bathroom, he tries to cover them without me watching and I just pretend not to notice. I don't deserve him. I see what I'm doing to him and I just

continue like it doesn't matter. Like _he_ doesn't matter. The truth is, when he kissed me I wanted nothing more than to simply kiss him forever. I loved the way his body

pressed against mine and how his lips were so soft and warm. But then it stopped and I was left with turmoil. Was it wrong for us to be in love? He is my brother, my twin.

Kaoru and I played around with our 'Brotherly Love' act but I never thought about it going further. I never thought of it waning either, though. Now he just watches me from

across the room and I pretend not to notice. If I don't address the situation then I don't have to make up my mind. But it's not fair. He's falling apart and I do nothing but

wish it never happened. And that's not even true! I can't stop thinking about that kiss. It's on my mind so much that I've even dreamt about it. Our lips were pressed

together and our bodies were writhing fervently. I woke up gasping for air and watched Kaoru sleep for hours. When he sleeps his features are so soft and contented, like

he has no worries in the world. I wanted to kiss all over his perfect skin. I carefully slid my fingers up his stomach and over his chest and watched in awe as his body

responded to my touch. "Hikaru." His breathy whisper made me want him more than ever. I can't do this. I don't deserve him. It was that night I moved into my own room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: KYOYA! You naughty thing! He really is the Shadow King! Is he doing because he's trying to help Kaoru or does he really want him for his own? And I feel so bad for lonely Kaoru at the end. What will happen with this new development? Stay tuned to find out! (I've been stuck watching soap operas with my Nana so you'll have to excuse the cheesy intro...) REVIEW! -Luna**

The stars were so bright tonight, twinkling in the inky blackness outside. I watch out the window as the moon plays shadow tricks across the school grounds. "Good

evening, Kaoru." Kyoya's voice startles me but I am happy to see him. "Evening." I reply cheerily. It is nice to have a friend as Hikaru has completely abandoned me for

Haruhi. I squelch the little burn of jealousy and turn to Kyoya. "I'm glad you came." He tells me. His eyes are intense, like rings of dark fire, burning into mine. "It's not like I

have anything better to do… Hikaru's out with Haruhi tonight." My fists clench when I think about them laughing and joking like Hikaru and I used to. I feel a little guilty

when I realize I may have made Kyoya feel uncomfortable. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I like spending time you. Really." Kyoya gives me a knowing smile. "You would

just rather be with him. I understand. Have you told him how you feel?" A blush overtakes my cheeks and I stammer a little. "I tried to talk to him but Haruhi called so he

asked me if we could talk later." My head drops in despair. "Maybe I should just give up, he really likes Haruhi and I should be happy that he is happy." Kyoya's hand

cradles my chin and I look into his cool grey eyes. "That doesn't mean you have to be alone, Kaoru." His hands slide up my arms and rest on my shoulders and he gently

presses my body to the wall behind me. I feel his slim frame lean against my own and his lips graze my collarbone. My knees feel weak and my eyes lose focus a little. His

soft lips climb a hot trail up my neck and his hands encompass mine. Hikaru used to always hold my hand. Hikaru. No, this is wrong. It should be Hikaru. "Kyoya." I say as I

start to push him away but he forces me back against the wall, holding my arms behind me. He runs his hand up my back to tangle in my hair and keep me from turning my

head as he kisses me full on the mouth. "No!" Comes my muffled cry as he shoves me harder to the wall, lips still pressed to mine. My eyes go wide in panic as I search

desperately around the room. A pair of very familiar eyes lock with mine from the doorway. Hikaru! I struggle harder from Kyoya's hold but he still has my arms tight behind

my back. Hikaru charges, white faced with anger and catches Kyoya by the shoulder. Blood splatters on my face as Hikaru's fist meets with Kyoya's face. Kyoya falls to the

floor and Hikaru stares back at me, eyes blazing. The only sound in the room is Kyoya's ragged breathing and the soft drops of blood falling from Hikaru's knuckles. Hikaru

grabs me by the hand and pulls me along. Silently, he drags me down the hall, out of the building and to our waiting car. Hikaru even refuses to look at me on the way

home but I am exhilarated because he hasn't let go of my hand. As we pull up to the house he quietly thanks the driver and hauls me up to my room. Our handhold breaks

and he stomps to the window, crossing his arms over his chest. "What were you doing in that classroom, Kaoru?" He asks quietly, his voice grave. I sit down slowly on the

edge of the bed and the shock of what's happened begins to wear off. Would Kyoya really have..? Hikaru just saved me. Why was Hikaru there? What would have

happened if he didn't show? Tears fill my eyes and slowly run down my cheeks. "Oh Kaoru…" Hikaru says softly, rushing to my side and grabbing hold of my hand. He

tenderly smoothes the tears from my cheeks. "Are you all right?" Desperately I wrap my arms around him and weep openly into his shoulder. Without hesitation, his arms

envelope me in safety. "Hikaru." I sob as he strokes my hair. "It's ok now, Kaoru. I'm here." I turn my face up to his and he caresses my cheek, brushing away a tear with

his thumb. My heart races seeing him delicately lick his lips. His eyes are clouded over with thoughts I can't decipher and he leans closer. My body jumps when his lips

touch mine. Soft, almost featherlike he makes my heart sing. His embrace tightens around me and I am glad for it because my bones feel like jello. I feel the pent up

emotion of the last few weeks manifest in my reaction and I kiss him back deeply. Hikaru gently lays me down never breaking the kiss. Our bodies entwine and I feel the

pressure of his weight on top of me. Electricity rages through me, especially when I find that Hikaru is as aroused as I am. I rake my fingers over his body and lose my

inhibitions in the passion of his kiss. Suddenly my desire is ripped from me as Hikaru flies off of me to the sound of the door opening. "Masters? Are one of you bleeding?"

For the first time I notice that Hikaru is hurt and guilt overtakes me. I carefully pick up his hand and turn it over to see the jagged scrape where it must have met with

Kyoya's teeth. "We're fine." Hikaru tells the maid and walks into the bathroom. I follow and wet a washcloth in the sink. "Does it hurt?" I ask, wiping away the caked blood

on his knuckles. "It's not that bad." He shrugs, taking the washcloth from me. "Listen Kaoru, I'm really tired. I think I'm going to go to bed." And just like that he goes to

his room and shuts the door behind him, leaving me wondering if I just imagined the whole thing. I take off my clothes, crawl into my bed, and cry into my pillow. Alone.


End file.
